Tatsuta River
by Frog-kun
Summary: Time passes, and love never remains the same. Taichi/Chihaya and Arata/Chihaya.
1. 1 of 4

**Tatsuta River - 1**

Taichi Mashima earned his first girlfriend in middle school. Like everything in his life, this was the result of hard work and ripe, fulfilled expectations. In middle school, Taichi played Karuta, and when he studied, he unconsciously grouped his vocabulary words together like poetry in his mind. He was not particularly good at Karuta, but he was quite decent. He was not the kind of genius who sparked; rather, he fizzled, a potential that could have been there if he had kept at it. I was in the Karuta club during my freshman year in middle school, and during that time, Taichi only played once a week. He was two years my senior and anyone could see his true talents were far broader and more diverse than card games. We were happy when he played with us – he was an agreeable sort of person, although he could wipe the floor with all of us – and bit by bit, he improved.

Taichi Mashima's first girlfriend was a doe-eyed beauty with a habit of biting the tip of her tongue and letting it poke through between her teeth whenever she grinned. There was nothing rude or impetuous about sticking out her tongue, and in fact she was hardly aware of this habit of hers. She blushed often, but not as a usual sign of embarrassment. She blushed whenever she was concentrating hard, eyebrows creased. Annoyingly enough, whenever she wrote or concentrated on anything in particular, she muttered the words aloud, tracing them vacantly in the air around her. When she was angry or flustered, she made a ticking noise with her tongue. Her entire being seemed focused around her mouth and tongue.

I occasionally saw Taichi with his girlfriend at lunchtimes. I never paid too much attention to them – they were like part of the scenery. But I can still remember that clicking noise the girl made with her tongue. She was annoyed with him because _you're empty, _she accused. _You do everything right but you are nothingness. _Being with her, Taichi learned to stop acting like a boy when words cut deep and to simply let it scratch and slide off him. I was reminded of a dirty glass that never showed its sheen no matter how much you rubbed at it. After a couple of weeks or so, the two of them broke up. That was the first of maybe three or so girlfriends Taichi had in middle school. He was no player, never seemed intent on using his girlfriends for selfish reasons, and his relationships always died a natural, stagnant death. They were like stillborn infants.

Taichi graduated one day and I never saw him again, not for twenty-odd years or so. Like many people I had known from middle school, he simply dimmed out of my memory as I went on to high school and college. I did somehow recognise him instantly when I saw him, although he didn't return the favour. Despite my incompetence at Karuta, I was blessed with a good long-term memory; I could never forget a face. When I eventually became a writer, it was the faces of these side characters in my life that came to mind whenever I wrote. I was drawn to these peripheral kinds of stories and when by sheer chance I met Taichi, I was eager to hear his tale.

I was in Hokkaido at the time. I was on a skiing trip and was simultaneously attempting to finish off the remainder of my novel. Truthfully, I was having trouble with this – I always do, finishing my novels – and had resigned myself to the throes of writer's block. My publisher was starting to get anxious and was ringing me every night asking me when I could be done, and I was quick to assure him not to worry, the book would be done in a week or so.

And miraculously, that ended up being the case. I have no one else to thank but Mr. Taichi Mashima. We ended up staying at the same hotel for similar reasons (it was holiday season, so it was no big surprise) and after a few occasions of polite though distant chatter, he ended up telling me the story of Chihaya and the Karuta club. Truly, it was an epic a writer could only dream of, a story of indomitable will and friendship. But the tale I chose to pen down here isn't a story about Karuta. This is a love story, although maybe calling it that isn't quite true. This story never had the satisfying ring to it that Chihaya's tale had, and if we're going to be technical, it's not really a story to begin with. There's no meaning or moral behind what happened. But it did happen, and I'll leave it up to you to decide whether it was a story worth telling.

"First, I should tell you something," Taichi said to me. He'd already had a few drinks by this stage and it seemed as if there was something he wanted to get off his chest. I had the feeling it was something he had kept inside of him for a long time. He wouldn't have told me if he hadn't had the drinks, I was certain. And he also wouldn't have told me if I was close to him, because these weren't the kinds of burdens a friend was meant to hear.

"I cheated on my wife," he admitted heavily. He bowed his head. There was a deep regret in his eyes. "My entire married life I cheated on her. It wasn't an affair or anything like that, but it was eating me up on the inside. Do you know what I mean?"

Truthfully, I didn't. I had no major complaints about my wife and she had none about me. We had the typical spousal problems, but nothing that consumed me. I told Taichi that I did understand, however, and he smiled in relief, albeit wearily.

"I never forgot her," he confessed. "And by her, I mean Chihaya. I was crazy about her, even when I was just a kid."

"Perhaps you should start at the beginning," I said to him delicately.

"Okay," he said, sighing. He took a deep breath and then another sip of his wine.

And then he began.


	2. 2 of 4

**Tatsuta River - 2**

"Chihaya was my childhood friend. I know that sounds trite and it doesn't quite capture how we felt about each other. We didn't spend all of our time at each other's houses or wake each other up in the morning or anything like that. What we did do was play Karuta, a lot of it.

"Chihaya is… hard to describe. She was like a whirlwind, capturing you with her intensity. You couldn't be in her presence without feeling some of her enthusiasm. She was strong and she was kind. I loved her because no one could ever be like her. There are cheerful girls and there are free-spirited girls, but none of them are like Chihaya. I'm sure you're sitting there thinking you know a girl like that, but you'd be wrong there. You'd only know Chihaya if you knew her, if that makes sense.

"There was Arata, Chihaya and me. I thought we'd always be together as kids, but then we didn't. I picked up Karuta in high school again, though, because Chihaya came back. Her energy was enough to undo the past. At least, that was what I thought at the time.

"It was good for a while, when high school ended. Chihaya was queen and Arata was one of us again. Everything was how it was meant to be. But while Chihaya thought nothing had changed, I knew it had. I was in love with her and so was Arata. Neither of us could just ignore something like that. I mean, now that Chihaya had fulfilled her lifelong goal, we had no excuses. We couldn't put it off, saying distracting her would be bad for her. We were distracted ourselves.

"We even went to college together, the three of us. I think maybe it was that illusion of everything coming full circle that stopped me from confessing my love to Chihaya. I thought that if I did, everything would change, whether she accepted my confession or not. Friendship and Karuta came first for us and we were meant to love each other equally. I couldn't bear the thought of shifting the dynamics in the group.

"The truth was that I was a coward: I was scared of growing up and moving on, even though I thought I'd done it once. When we were children, Arata was the one who told me that. I could never beat him. Not at Karuta, not at love. One day, he called me on my cellphone and told me this: 'I'm sorry, but I asked her to marry me.'"

He closed his eyes.

"What did she say?" I prompted him. I had my notebook and pen out and was diligently taking notes.

Taichi scratched at his cheeks for a moment. I could detect the beginnings of stubble on his chin. Finally, he looked up at me, and I was struck by his eyes: sharp brown and golden tinge.

"She said yes," he said. He leaned backwards and rolled his shoulders back, as if the blow still left him reeling. "I didn't think Arata had it in him. It was a peculiar relationship we had, that the first thing he would think would be to apologise to me for acting on his feelings. I always suspected it would happen, but I didn't contemplate how much it would hurt until it actually happened. What was more surprising was that Chihaya said yes. Out of all the years she had known us, that was the first and only real act of favoritism I'd ever seen from her. The rest, I suppose, was just magnified in my head. But that's in the past.

"Things were still were still okay when Arata and Chihaya declared their engagement. Our friends were so happy for them. As for the three of us, the way they both treated me was the same. Our friendships didn't change. Sure, there was a greater sense of togetherness between the two of them, but Arata was always special. He'd seem like a normal enough guy to you besides the Karuta, but to Chihaya, everything about him was amazing. I'm sure to her, marriage seemed like a logical progression of their friendship. I've never seen her think too hard about decisions like that. It made me wonder what would have happened if I asked her first. What would she have said…?

"In spite of myself, I was distraught badly enough that I didn't attend lectures for a while. Instead, I stayed home and got drunk whenever my mother wasn't around. It was around that time that I first slept with a girl. It was a one-off thing that happened the second time I went to a nightclub. I thought it was just something I needed to get out of my system because of what happened with Chihaya, but then it started to happen more frequently. Soon, almost every night I was going to that nightclub. I can't remember how many girls I've slept with. What's worse is that I don't remember any of their faces. It was just a long string on one-night stands spanning my college years.

"To be honest, I was very ashamed of myself. My grades were dropping and my mother was furious with me. She'd brought me up to be a clean, unscrupulous student and much as I thought she pushed me too hard at times, the expectations were just a part of me. It wasn't just about disappointing her. I disappointed myself too.

"Naturally, as soon as Arata and Chihaya caught wind of my new lifestyle, they tried to shake me out of it. But the thing was this: what I was doing wasn't hurting anyone. I always made it clear to the girls that I wasn't looking for a relationship. My Karuta skills were still the same as ever and when I was with my friends, my night life felt like it belonged to a different person. Arata said he understood somewhat. He was staying chaste until after the wedding but naturally he knew that when you're young, the urge for sex is difficult to suppress.

"'But you're still a coward,' he said to me. I know I sound like I've been jealous of Arata and I can't deny that, but I truly loved him and appreciated his honesty. We had less to say to each other when Chihaya wasn't around – that happens with friendship trios, doesn't it? One friend is always like the glue that binds you all together. But in those serious moments, I knew I could count on Arata. We could speak the truth to each other. When we talked about Chihaya, I felt a weird kind of kinship with him. We both loved the same girl. Arata understood where I was coming from and didn't judge me, but he did tell me to pull my act together. I listened to him. Although I still slept with random girls on a regular basis, I was more focused and my marks improved again. I thought I settled into a kind of routine that way. This might sound strange, but I thought of it as a penance of sorts. It was just something I needed to do.

"But Chihaya was different altogether. She treated the whole thing like it was a phase or an illness and the only cure for it was Karuta. I admit it was kind of therapeutic, but she was missing the point there, wasn't she?" For the first time since he started speaking, he smiled. I could detect some boyishness in the way his eyes crinkled and shone. "Anyway, I couldn't exactly tell her I was in love with her so I teased and joked about sex with her. I told her it was like Karuta – intense and all about matching and the positions. Chihaya laughed and said, 'I bet Arata would be a genius at it! He'd be so quick!' She said it so innocently…"

He chuckled. I was beginning to see in my head what kind of girl Chihaya was and the effect she had on Taichi.

Gradually, the smile faded from his face as he resumed the tale.

"A week before the wedding, something happened. You see, Arata was away on some family-related business and Chihaya had a match the next day, so I went to her house and played with her. I don't know how but one thing led to another and I ended up kissing her."

"How did she react?"

"Shocked, naturally. 'Taichi, this isn't right. You're acting strange,' she said to me. But it felt so right to me, you know. So awful yet so right. How can I explain…? Like I was liberated somehow. Holding her in my arms I had this feeling I was letting something go.

"'It's okay, Chihaya,' I said. 'I' m sorry, this won't happen again.' She looked at me and I realised she must have always known how I felt, deep down. She wasn't a kid any more. I got the feeling that she needed me, just as much as I needed her. It wasn't about Arata or who belonged to who. 'I believe you, Taichi,' she said. 'Welcome back.'"

Taichi closed his eyes.

"That was the last peaceful summer we had together…"


	3. 3 of 4

**Tatsuta River - 3**

I glanced at my watch. It was getting late.

"Perhaps we should continue this tomorrow," I suggested, but firmly, Taichi shook his head.

"If I don't finish it today," he said, "I'll never finish it. Tell me, author-san, have you ever felt like that?"

"Sort of," I replied, refilling my glass for the last time that night. "Go on."

"So Arata and Chihaya were married," Taichi resumed after a pause. "They invited me to their house often. It was… strange. They got along so well, but I felt they were more at ease when I was around. I didn't say anything, though. I had no right to pry into their marriage."

"But you would have if they weren't married."

"I guess you could say that. They'd started something I wasn't part of. Somehow I felt this decision hurt us all.

"It was a few months after that when our old friend Oe-san left us. She died in a car accident, just as her family's kimono business was starting to thrive. It was a cruel twist of fate that hurt us all deeply. But no one was more shocked than Chihaya. She didn't speak for days, simply gazing blankly at all the kimonos Oe-san had given her over the years. Arata and I tried our best, but she wouldn't cheer up. She did seem to move on eventually, but she was never quite the same after that. Around the same time, our teacher Harada-sensei was suffering heart problems. He would still hang on for a few more years but he was too ill to play Karuta. It was like the matter of Arata's grandfather all over again. Chihaya never lost her enthusiasm for Karuta, but her spirit was dampened.

"When Chihaya started changing, we all changed with her. It came upon me gradually, but one day I was aware that I had stopped knowing what to say to her. I wanted to be a good friend to her, but somewhere along the line, I forgot how to do it. I still loved her as a matter of course, but it just wasn't the same as in our youth. The more I compared it, the less I could remember exactly how it felt to belong to such a sweet, unassuming friendship. Being with her and Arata was beginning to feel draining. 'Maybe I should just leave it to the two of them. Arata knows how to take care of her,' I thought. But of course I couldn't bring myself to do that.

"Eventually, we all graduated from college together. As if to mark the transition, Chihaya fell pregnant. She had to take a break from competitive Karuta to become a mother, so naturally she gave up the position of Queen back to her rival Wakamiya-san.

"Chihaya gave birth to a daughter. At first, I thought she didn't have it in her to be a mother, but when I saw how warmly and tenderly she handled her child, I realised Chihaya was no longer a girl but a woman. I felt sad yet proud of her at the same time. As for Arata, he was just _suited _to be a father. You could see it in his eyes. He held his daughter's hand – they named her Kanade after Oe-san, by the way – and with his other hand he held onto Chihaya. I heard him say, 'Chihaya, you are the greatest woman I've ever met.'"

The recollection evidently moved Taichi. He blinked and wiped a half-formed tear from the corner of his eye.

"Why, Arata, you bastard, why?"

"Did something happen after that?" I asked, startled at the sudden edge in Taichi's voice.

"I'm getting to that," said Taichi, sighing. "Kana-chan was so cute, you know. It's hard to believe she's already a high schooler. Arata and Chihaya brought her up very well. She's thrives on Karuta too. By the time she was twelve, she could already beat me.

"For a very long time, Kana-chan could not tell the difference between me and her biological father. As far as she was concerned, she had two fathers. Chihaya never referred to me as an uncle. 'You're one of the family!' she said. 'You're just as much my husband as Arata is!" He chuckled. "Yes, I suppose you could say she was into bigamy. Did you know the day after she returned from her honeymoon, she held a party and declared herself married to me too? We all had a laugh about that, though of course it wasn't an official thing. _Officially_, I lost out to Arata every single time.

"Kana-chan was about two years old when Arata turned up at my doorstep looking haggard. It was very out-of-place. Arata looked like he'd recently been drunk although he was completely sober when he spoke to me. He said some strange things. 'I made a big mistake, Taichi. I shouldn't have married Chihaya.'

"I asked him what he was talking about – he and Chihaya were happy, weren't they? 'Of course,' he insisted. 'I _love _her.' And I could tell he meant that. You could tell it from his eyes. There's always something intense about him when he really means something. He gets that look when he plays Karuta. I'm sure that's one of the things Chihaya loved about him, too.

"'But she belongs to both of us,' Arata said. 'It's not the same – you know it's not the same.' I agreed to that, but what were we going to do? If Chihaya suddenly vanished from our lives, what would we do? Not even she could remain the way she was as a child.

"Arata stayed at my place that night. I thought everything was a little odd, but nothing really out of ordinary… Then the next morning I got a call from Chihaya. 'Is Arata with you?' she asked.

"I told her yes, and then something happened that shocked me to the very core. She broke into tears. 'He – he cheated on me, Taichi,' he said.

"You know that moment when you feel your whole world go still around you? All I could focus on was the sound of Chihaya's breathing. I couldn't believe my ears. It turned out Arata had slept with Chihaya's older sister. She was a model, by the way, but still. How could Arata do something like that?

"I woke Arata up. He's a bit of a heavy sleeper. Anyway, I demanded to know what had happened because it just didn't make sense; it sounded like something from a drama. Arata took one look at me and said, 'It's true. We were drunk and it only happened once on pure impulse. I regret it deeply, but it happened. I did it to get closer to Chihaya.'"

Taichi shook his head. "It made no sense to me at all."

I interjected. "Perhaps he felt guilty having Chihaya because of the relationship between the three of you. He evidently cared a lot for her so he could only notice those close to her. Being close to the sister would be almost the same as being close to Chihaya herself."

"You may be right, author-san." Taichi frowned. "Before he introduced her to Karuta, Chihaya lived only for her sister. Arata told me that soon after Kana-chan was conceived, he began to be turned off by the idea of sexual relations with his wife. It was a feeling he couldn't explain, but he just couldn't get aroused around her any more. But he still loved her and his daughter. He swore it.

"But I was furious with him, you know? How could he be so selfish, so _stupid?_ No matter how he justified it, he'd hurt Chihaya - and I _trusted_ him! The moment I found out, I punched him right here in the eye. He had a black eye for almost a week. Arata was so miserable he just let me hit him. Not that he was really any good at any sport besides Karuta. At least there I was one better than him.

"After I beat him up, we both felt better, I think. He because he was being punished for what he did wrong and me because after that, I couldn't find it in me to feel jealous of him anymore. I just couldn't summon up those feelings; they felt half-forgotten already. Not because I'd completely lost respect for him. I felt for him as deeply as I felt for Chihaya. Until that moment, it never fully occurred to me that Arata was a man. Like Chihaya, I saw him as something of a god, even when he screwed up. I beat him up and then I gave him an icepack for his black eye.

"There was a period of a couple of days when Chihaya spoke to neither of us. She kept alone and quiet, mulling over everything that happened. I'm sure in her heart, she was cursing herself for letting things become complicated. She never spoke of it, but she's that type of person. All that time Arata stayed with me and to distract ourselves, we played Karuta every night. Sometimes we did it while we were drunk. Arata's awful when he's drunk. It's the only time I can beat him. So anyway, there we were, waiting for Chihaya and Kana-chan to come back to us. At that time, we both felt hollow and raw, knowing full well how little we really knew of Chihaya these days.

"I don't know how, but Chihaya had such room in her enormous heart that she could forgive Arata for his philandering. Still, heeding to his wishes, they divorced on amicable terms. Arata moved back to his old house in Fukui, although he continued to visit his daughter at least once a week, showering her with fatherly affection. And like I said before, I was Kana-chan's second father. What a crazy, dysfunctional resolution to everything."

"But somehow, it seemed right in the end?"

"Yes and no. Yes, because Chihaya belonged to us both again and no, because we were too old for that kind of farce. By that stage, we all knew we couldn't go back. Not even Chihaya could fool herself into thinking that just because our feelings were no longer romantic it didn't mean they weren't complicated. Life just isn't that simple.

"Chihaya never remarried. Arata did and had two sons who are both in grade school now. I married a woman I met at work. We get along well. We tried, but we haven't had any kids. Kana-chan is my daughter."

He gazed broodingly at the empty wine glasses on the table in front of us.

"Sometimes, it's all too much for me and I have to take a trip – like this one right now. You see, when the three of us are having one of our get-togethers, I still feel like making the same mistake Arata did all those years ago, when we were just nineteen-year old kids. I want to take Chihaya into my arms and never let her go. I'd do anything to see that smile she used to have."

His mouth twitched in bittersweet irony, and then fell resoundingly downwards, a sign of graceful, long-accepted defeat.


	4. 4 of 4

**Tatsuta River - 4**

Inspiration comes from the smallest of things: watching the snow melt in spring, seeing the gentle ripples across a clear surface of water. Sometimes, I am inspired by simply watching a person for a short time or reading a story that touches me deeply. My editor believes my work was influenced by the English neoclassical genre, but the truth is that I was inspired by the One Hundred Poems in Karuta. This was the reason I had taken up Karuta in middle school, although my poor coordination and reflexes prevented me from rising above D class. I thought it was a delightful coincidence that Chihaya's favourite card was also my own. The poem on the Impassionate Gods card refers to the scenic red of the Tatsuta River. I personally believe the Tatsuta River is a metaphor for everlasting love.

After speaking with Taichi, I was peering at the notes I had written during our conversation when the ending of my novel suddenly came to me. I was seized with an insatiable desire to write. I worked solidly for several days and finished two days before my self-imposed deadline.

My novel was a story about a young girl who was separated from her lover for many years due to some tragic circumstances. When they reunited in their adulthood, they had both married other people. From a storytelling perspective, I knew the most satisfying ending involved the main characters divorcing their spouses and ending up with each other. Somehow this ending didn't ring true for me. I tried to write it, but I could inject no feeling into my prose. It was – for lack of any better word – clunky. I simply couldn't find any rhythm with my writing. None of the sentences flowed into each other easily. Thus began my writer's block; I had no idea how to portray everlasting love.

After Taichi told me his story, we never had another good opportunity to talk. He went out skiing with his wife for most of the day, and that night he packed his bags and went home. He did thank me for listening to him before he left. He was in a good mood: calm, dignified and charming, although not in any conscious way. There was something humble and unassuming about him; the brashness I remembered from his middle school days was gone. This was something I had noticed when I first encountered him at the hotel. When he was leaving, he took his wife's hand and squeezed it gently.

The smile that was on Taichi's face as he looked at his wife comes back to me as I write. He was certainly the kind of man who was sure of every emotion he had, whether it was weakness or folly, determination or affection. He had married late in life, he had told me. When he realised Chihaya could not be compared to anyone, he had stopped trying. His mother had wanted him to marry and settle down and one day it had occurred to him that this was the most natural thing for him to do. He would have had to push himself to maintain the virility in his youth.

"It just wasn't _me_," he told me, laughing. "Being popular with women is more trouble than it's worth. Being with other women only ever taught me what love isn't. Once I learned that lesson, it felt like I was just going through the motions. No matter how much I enjoyed sex, it always did feel more like a diversion than anything else. I could be playing Karuta, I thought."

As for his wife, he was fond of her and was careful to avoid compromising situations with other women. He did not remember any defining moment of falling in love - perhaps the wedding, but he remembered it more for being a really hot day. In any case, he enjoyed coming home early, spending his evenings quietly with his wife and making love as a natural course of things. Aside from fleeting moments of appreciation for other women, which was the natural instinct for any man, he had no desire to sleep with anyone but his wife. Not even Chihaya tempted him. It was true that he thought of her often and longed for her company whenever he was alone. It was a desire that was non-sexual but too intense to dismiss as platonic. "If adultery were a sin of the heart, then I've committed it every day," he admitted to me. "I'm sure that's how Arata felt too."

I wondered when he was younger if Taichi had ever looked at Chihaya the same way as his wife, or was it a different kind of love that had gripped him? For love to be everlasting, did it also need to be unchanging? I tried to remember the last time I had loved so much that I had assumed it would remain that way forever. What was it like for childhood bonds to be eternal, to be carved so deeply in you that it defined your very being? What did love even feel like?

I couldn't remember.

**Fin**

**Afterword: **Thank you for reading this story and I hope you enjoyed it! I wrote it very quickly in the span of a couple of days, so please forgive me for the errors in writing. Also, I happened to write it while the anime is still ongoing (up to episode 16 at the time of this writing) and I haven't read the manga. I didn't intend this story to be read as a sequel, but rather as a _possibility_. There were things I did assume from the manga story for this story to work, such as Chihaya overtaking Shinobu and the main trio becoming close again. If this doesn't happen in the real story, I will stab something.

One (very slight) disappointment I had with the Chihayafuru anime is how quickly it moves on from its original themes of childhood bonds and separation. I thought it would be a story about how friends drift, so when it didn't turn out that way I was inspired to write about it. As the anime continues, it will probably continue to invalidate the tone and overall pessimism in this fanfic, but I don't care. This was very fun to write. While the concept was simple enough, I did struggle with the level of depressing I felt was acceptable for this fic. There were a lot of things that happened here that I don't see happening in the canon universe. I like to think the trio wouldn't drift completely even if things do change, so I tried to portray that here. I didn't want the story to be OOC; I wanted the events to seem believable even though they will never happen.

Another issue which some readers have commented on is the pacing. I believe this story is better suited to be read in one sitting rather than being serialised. That was a mistake on my part. I was too eager to get this story out. The verbal narrative is fast-paced, but that's just how verbal narratives are. I've never tried this style of storytelling before, so please forgive my mistakes. I am still learning!

Oh, and lastly, my views on the shipping: I'm hoping for a threesome ending for this series. Fingers crossed! But Arata/Chihaya seems most hinted at… Poor Taichi.


End file.
